As part of trusting myself and the signs I receive in 2026 and partaking in Susannah Conway’s “Unraveling Midlife” course, I decided to trust that encountering these thought-provoking questions posed by an interesting gentleman about a week ago meant it was time to move forward from unraveling my past and begin unraveling the self. It seems rather fated, honestly; Susannah represents the divine feminine, and this gentleman demonstrates positive masculinity at a time when we truly need to see what the opposite of “toxic masculinity” looks like. There really is a positive to masculinity, and feminists can support that because healers appreciate protectors! When juxtaposing his questions with the current prompt for the course I am taking, I see a connecting thread: this collection of identities within one whole person that creates the “self.” So, what exactly were these questions?:
who are you? who do you want to be? the last man standing, lost alone in a life-threatening world outside? hiding in bunkers and prepper-holes? [sic]
Of course, such questions inspire much more than simple responses for me. I typically assume people are expecting the traditional answers expected in the United States: marital status, number of children, occupation, pet ownership, hobbies, likes, etc. We could even discuss things like nationality, ethnicity, religion, political alignment, geographical location, and other myriad details. “Who are you?” depends on the context of the question, and some individuals have posed it in an entirely different perspective: don’t answer any of the above details! I find that version to be the most profoundly confusing because who are we when we are not aligning ourselves as an extension of our family, work, or the community around us? Who are we when we remove the mask(s)?
Starting with this “who are you” question: What does this question even mean to me from one day to the next? My initial reaction is one of defense — the New York City accent bubbling to the surface, questioning back, “what are you, the cops?!” I don’t know why I’m so defensive, really; why should I, a person who has been self-publishing on the Internet in some capacity or another since 1999, be afraid of a person wanting to know more about me? Why do I fear removing the masks I wear to protect the raw, vulnerable self hidden inside? Now broken links indicate I had zero problems sharing intimate details: what about me has changed that I suddenly feel the need to shelter myself? Is this what growth feels like? Or perhaps I have spent more times than I can count expecting other people to have altruistic motivations only to discover that I have been naive for decades?
I am who I need to be in the moment — and sometimes I am who I need to be even when I’m too tired to play that role. Maybe we can say I’m a live action role player: I play a variety of roles in a single day because the alternative is… well, giving up is just not an option. And yet, I am also just that same little girl who was once trying to find her place in the world, hoping against hope that she would be seen and heard despite adults in her life repeating the tired mantra that children should be neither seen nor heard. As I mentioned earlier, I embrace the collection of complex emotions within me, and I also fear being seen and heard by the wrong people; it sounds odd and rather crazy, but I have also recently consumed far more materials that indicate human beings still very much participate in the same barbaric practices of the Dark Ages. My fears are apparently founded, unfortunately, which leaves me feeling rather disappointed. I suppose I’m not just unraveling myself — my midlife — but also the world as I know it.
I am a life-long learner, inspired by the words of my maternal grandfather who once told me that we learn something new every day. Although my attention span does not always grant me the blessing of enjoying a book, you will always find me reading something to acquire more knowledge. I think I enjoy it more now than I did when the goal was rote memorization for arbitrary tests! Sharing that love of learning with others brings me a level of joy I cannot express in words at this moment — sometimes feelings are just that: feelings. You have to experience them for yourself. Admittedly, I wear my masks proudly and efficiently — functioning from one day to the next requires that I blend into society, and I cannot show up as Meredith the Cosplayer when Meredith the Instructor is needed, nor can I be Meredith the Cat Whisperer when Meredith the Academic is needed. While people might claim these habits indicate a person is a “fake,” it’s actually a sign that a person knows their audience. Meredith the Granddaughter would never use the f-word in front of her 95-year-old grandmother, but Meredith the Driver uses it daily! I am not being inauthentic — I am being who I need to be in the moment, hence why I railed against the misuse/ overuse of the word “authentic” a couple months back.
Who I want to be may take a bit more effort to unravel. I would say the last two questions do not seem relevant to my word of the year or the “Unraveling” course, but the current events of the world indicate otherwise. We do need to have these uncomfortable conversations, to be comfortable getting uncomfortable. Those last two questions examine my ancestors’ and their motivations for immigrating to the United States, after all! I cannot very well unraveling myself and my past — my heritage — without examining how I may approach similar circumstances. Whether or not such answers should be shared publicly remains to be seen; I will let the word “trust” guide me and know that I will make the right decisions as time progresses.
Testing